Gadgets and Contraptions

Hello,

Recently I was given a really neat fan as a gift. It has a Liquid Crystal Display, and features a remote control, which allows me to make the fan oscillate, and blow harder/softer from the comfort of my toilet seat. This is great fun, and I do enjoy it's novelty, and the fact that it enables my extreme laziness. While some scientists are tackling unimportant issues such as infectious diseases and the like; there exist truly noble nerds who are dedicated to inventing things like, a beer dispensing mini-robot hippo, or an automatic ass-wiping machine (I hope, and I hope). These are the true hero's of the lab-coat wearing world. Dweebs who rest easy at night knowing that they are making a difference in society.

This is why I thought I would overview some of my favorite gadgets that are currently on the market, and loath the fact that I do not possess them;

1) KITT: What a sweet ride he would be to have. To hell with the cold, penis-shaped Bat Mobile. I need a comforting voice to assist me in placing my drive through order, and then helping me justify it, by reassuring me that I am indeed sexy. I know KITT would be down with that. I would also like to install a chocolate milk dispenser in him, and I know that he would make sure that the milk was always ice cold for me. In exchange for his loyalty, I would purchase I hot pink Honda Prelude for him to have Carstercourse with.

2) Ghost Buster Proton Pack: How many times have I got up in the middle of the night to go pee, but been too scared of ghosts to make it to the bathroom? So many. That's how many. I do not want to turn the lights on, since, a) its stings my eyes! And, b) I do not want to agitate the ghosts. However with this sweet gadget, I would be able to go at anytime of the night to my hearts content! No more painful 5 hour urine induced erections for this guy!!!

3) Penny's (Inspector Gadgets Niece) Magical Book: Solving crimes, and putting a monkey wrench in various capers are things that I do not undertake. This is unfortunate, since I feel as though I would look good in a trench coat, and sleuthing hat. However, if I were to procure Penny's magical problem solving book, I would be set. I am also assuming that it could order me a pizza, or at the very least possesses a phone, with which I could call KITT and tell him to "Go get me a fucking pizza".

4) Dick Tracey's Watch: "What a bad ass timepiece Mr. Gordon", is what people would say, if I were to acquire this little diddy. Whoa, an AM/FM radio built right in? Yesiree!!! I can listen to Top 40, or even catch the local news on this sonofagun. I could maybe even order a fucking pizza with it.

5) G.I. Joe/Cobra laser: Blue or Red, I am not picky. Sure, they've got lasers now that can eliminate the hair on your back and genitals, or even fix your eyesight, but that is crap. I want a laser that can shoot a man dead, if he looks at me sideways. "Do not screw with me pal" is what I would probably wind up saying frequently. There is a 100% possibility that I would duct tape it to KITT, and shoot the heck out of things with it. The heck out of things.

What a drunken world of gadget fantasies I live in!! This must end, I must come back to reality, and end my dreams of gadget related orgies, and world domination.

Tuna for dinner tonight. I will use a manual can-opener to get to the mercury laced fish meat. Reality bites.

M. B. W.