Where are my Prizes?

Life is hard. I never win anything.
Perhaps it is for this reason that I developed a love for breakfast cereals at a young age. It was clear from the get go that I was a fan of milk, combined with sugary-shaped-corn substances. Pops? Grahams? Crunches? Heck yes - all of the above, please mom. However, this love was not strictly limited to the caressing of my fat taste buds.
No. I too was a fan of the super-duper prizes that were allotted for good boys and girls, whom purchased the cereals. Puzzles, bouncy balls, and the much loved cap'n crunch stickyhand-slappy thing! Oh sweet Jesus what a treat. What a special boy I am, what a life I lead! My delicious bowl of sugar and milk is all finished, and for being such a good boy, I get a prize! A dream come true.
Alas, I grew up, I grew bald, and I discovered that the world is an ugly, gloomy and rotten place.

Where in good heaven are the toys, cereal industry? Are you Nazis? Do you enjoy restricting the joy of children, and immature 26 year old men? I am assuming that you do.
I sense that it may not be good to announce publicly over the world wide web that I will burn down the head quarters of General Mills if I do not receive a bouncy ball soon, however it is a statement that I stand by - gas in hand.
With that being said, I would also like to leverage similar threats to Humpty Dumpty potato chips, and Pepsi/Coca-Cola - return to your ways of producing "free bag of chips" cards, and "free pop" tabs. This was a always a mystical joy for me. Oop, opp, did I win? I won!
How can you fat-cats sleep at night knowing that you are hindering countless children from mocking their friends by waving a "free 591ml" tab in their faces?

I do not give a rats penis if it is a "recession", I will burn your industry to the ground.

Also, I am on to you Popsicle Pete. I know that collecting those sticks amounts to Jack Shit. Where is my hoverboard Pete?
Where the fuck is my hoverboard?

MBW