Tallness

I have a powerful rant upcoming regarding height. I am a tall man, at six foot four and one half, therefore I am well versed on the ups and downs of height (especially for one who is my height). That however is not the direct topic of the blog. The direct topic of the blog, is height - to the extreme! With focus on the pitfalls associated with it.

If you are Shaquille O'Neal, your life is great. You are gifted physically with size, strength and agility. You are richer than Satan, and have great sense of humour and an excellent life approach (due in large part to your delicious piles of 1000 dollar bills). You can afford to customize things like cars, beds, pants, bowls, cutlery, toothbrushes, prostitutes, footstools, pipes, refrigerators, boxing gloves, rings, sandals, chess sets, and pogo sticks, to name a few. Your life is good. You are the Millionaire "Big Man on Campus" and everyone fucking loves you. Good for you sir, you have won the "life lottery" - I know your biological didn't bother, but that is beside the point.

Now, whats wrong with that you say? Not a fucking thing. However, not every human being between 6 foot 8 (beginning stages of "freak" height) and 7 foot 10 ("you cannot go outside, you monster" height) is blessed with the physical tools that humans such as The Big Cactus posses. Rather, they tend to be lanky loser types, who walk with a pronounced limpy gait, and have neck humps at the age of 29. Now this sucks for a number of reasons;

- People stare at you, and think you are a freak.

- You pants are too short.

- You hit your head on everything, but helmets are too small for you.

- You work a shitty job, and cannot afford a bed that fits.

- Your knees and back ALWAYS hurt.

- Bending to Pick things up from the ground? Ya, right.

- People constantly ask you, "How tall are you?". It fills you with rage.

- You actually suck at Basketball, and cannot even dunk.

- Your heart struggles, and you will die prematurely.

And so much more... For these poor bastards - the uncoordinated, tall, skinny, loser types life is a constant whore. At least midget can sneak around, and hide in small holes. You sir, are always there. You cannot hide, for I see your head poking up in the crowd. Yes, you can always reach the top shelf, and can see everything at concerts, but that does not make up for the myriad of frustrating problems that life throws at you. Your life sucks, I see you on the crowded subway train and I can read your eyes. I know your soul hates everything. Just be patient my tall loser friend, it will be over sooner than you think.

M B W

*I will be fleeing the city this afternoon to return Sunday. An excellent weekend to all! Have some burgers!