Little Wing(s)

Flying in planes in scary, no matter how drunk you are. This is especially true, when one flies in those little assed planes. You know, the ones that have spinny blades, as opposed to super jets. Now, I know that the spinny blades might be better suited for murdering birds, in that the bird carcass would seemingly whisk through the blades, as opposed to getting stuck in the engine - causing issues/deaths. However this is not the point.
The point is that little planes are little, and they terrify me. This is why, I recently deposited metaphorical scat into my pants when I was forced to fly on a mini plane to rural Northern Ontario; a place where bears have no mercy, and wolves eat old people. I now will outline a few reasons why I hate little planes;

Nature: Mother Nature is a strong and powerful she-bitch. She will blow, and she will strike lightning. In all planes these can become dangerous factors. In a small plan however, these natural elements can shake the fuselage like a horrible mother shakes her baby. I am not into front flips, and I have not consumed enough wine pre-flight to make that though seem out of the question, or at the very least humorous.

Unnecessary Cockpit Exposure: I am not a schizophrenic, but how am I to assume that the odd looking man, who smells of "non-showers", is not. This is a troubling thought, for you see on Bear Skin Airlines - yes Bear Skin - apparently security is about as important as, well a professional company name. The Cockpit is open in these planes, friends, yes open. As if to say, "oh hey there danger, come on in!!". This is a perfect opertunity for any downtrodden suicidal loser, or outright lunatic to barge in, stab the pilot in the neck and smear his hands on the controls like an asshole in an elevator, sending us spiraling into a frozen lake. I do not want to this to happen. I am however convinced, that it is going to occur at some point.

Press Coverage: If I am to plummet to death in an airplane, I at least hope that I am in a nice big one. First of all, it will take out more stuff (why not go out with a bigger bang), and secondly the sexiness of a massive plane crash, causes the world wide media to collectively ejaculate. Hence, I would be getting some serious press!! Also, there would be more people on the plane to expose myself to, while yelling in a nonsensical, and deranged manor. A little plane goes down, and no one gives a rats ass. More often than not people say something like "Fucking idiots, that's what they get for flying in a little plane!"

Shady Unexpected Maneuvers: I am no aviator. I do not own a bomber jacket, but I am only assuming that the standards to become a pilot on a small plane is significantly lower than on a Jumby. Seemingly, if I were to go into the head office of Bear Skin airlines, drunk out of my mind, eating a hot dog, and threw a paper airplane at the CEO, he would kiss me on the hands, and give me the keys to a small aircraft. I am assuming this, based on my TERRIFYING mid flight experience, when without warning our plane (which was currently descending), shot up like a Viagra infused penis, sending fecal matter straight into my Stanfields. "What in the holy fuck was that" I screamed. It seemed as though, that just the pilots way averting death, since he "reallllly couldn't see a thing cuzza all the snow". Oh good. Better take another run at it, while I drink my entire bottle of mouthwash.

Seems like that's it folks. Lots more on this topic, but for now I think you all know how I stand on small planes.

Fly safe,

M. Bac Wag.