Meatmares

There is nothing wrong with being a vegetarian, I suppose.  To each his or her own.  However, I myself am not one, nor will I ever consider it.  For me, the taste of hot animal flesh, and skin is decidedly excellent. 

With that being said; there are certainly pitfalls associated with being a lover of animal flesh - heart disease, stroke, depression, etc...  One of the more glaring, however is what I fearfully refer to as "Meatmares".

What are Meatmares you ask? Meatmares deal with the phenomena that occurs whilst sleeping immediately after ingesting mass amounts of meat.

Perhaps, one was intoxicated, and decided that it would be an excellent idea to consume two street vendor Hot Dogs at 3.30am.  Or maybe, you and your food loving friend attended an all-you-can-eat Korean food (shaved meat) buffet.  These are just two fine examples of the origins of Meatmares - both of which I have inflicted upon myself quite recently.  Now, these eating adventures, are done in good faith.  We meatlovers (although perhaps accused in some circles) are not sadists.  We do not seek out pain, especially through meat consumption.  These eating binges occur with only the most honourable intentions.  "Hey, meat is delicious, don't you agree? You do? Great, lets eat lots!"

And so begins the Meatmare.  After the consumption, a Meatmare will only occur (as mentioned above) if the meateater, seeks sleep straight away* 

The meatmare itself, usually consists of a terribly awkward, and unsettling feeling within your mind.  You begin to heat up uncontrollably, as you cascade into a spiraling sea of red - as if you are entering into the stomach of a possessed bovine.  Your body, lays functionless on the flaming red floor, while the walls breath in and out violently, and beads of salt extrude from the red roof, and fall onto your body.  Spinning inside the stomach, the Meatmare now goes into overdrive.  Evil looking cows, and pigs dressed in farmers clothing, stand over you, and assault you verbally.  You begin to cry painful tears, made of hot sauce.  The creepy noises from The Shining begin to play in the stomach, as large flaming words flash in front of you "Steak", "Salt", "Heart", "Gout", "Hot-Hotness".  Augh! You are feeling so odd now, so out of place, the cows and pigs are laughing at you, mocking your discomfort.  You ask the pig "Please don't give me anymore squid-bacon.  Salt makes me icky", he does not listen, and pulls a lever, sending a large pile of HOT salt directly onto the part of your chest where you heart is.  You scream! That its, I am dead, my heart is going to explode!!! Help me Jesus, please help me!!

And with that you awake.  Soaked in sweat, covers kicked to the floor, immense dry pain in the chest, but happy to be alive.  Your body says "Water Motherfucker, Water!!"  You get up from bed, and walk to the kitchen whilst saying something to the effect of "Fuck these meatmares, I cant deal with too many more Sodium Attacks, they are fucking me up real good.  No more late night Korean BBQ"

You chug the water, take a deep breath and go back to sleep - Within two weeks, you find yourself, drunk at a Korean BBQ at 4am.  The cycle continues.....

Savory Dreams,

Mr. B. Wagon

*Perhaps, you felt a bit odd after you meat binge.  A little hazy, and sad.  Be cautious sir, for you are Food Drunk.  You mustn't rest you eyes, since being Food Drunk, will lead straight into a meatmare, if you drift to sleep.  Consult H2O immediately.  Breath deeply, and do not panic.